Thursday, December 3, 2009

Funks and Beacons

I'm in a funk. I flow in and out of these, like most people seem to. Lately though I am just so deep that I'm finding it hard to snap out of it.
I don't know how these work for other folks, but I think my biggest problem is that I want a different life than I have.

One where the children magically rise in the morning and greet me with smiles as they walk gracefully to the table to break their fast with fresh fruit juice, nourishing grains, and farm fresh milk. If we can have harvested any of that from our land it would be even better.

You know, instead of the toddler running in and leaping onto the bed where her brother and sister are sleeping to jump and sing. Starting the morning with shouts of, "GET OUT!!! I'm still SLEEPING!!" (Although it did only take about 3 minutes before they were all jumping and laughing, then they ran like a herd of elephants into the kitchen to ask for "bread with no crust". Hurried, "tank ooouu"'s before they ran back to jump and scream.....and get crumbs everywhere.)

I just shake my head and move on to find a picture for my chalkboard drawing.

I wish I were creating a space where my children were sitting quietly coloring, or finger knitting, or painting, or any of the lovely magical things that are always spoken of with reverence in Waldorf circles. I just don't seem to be able to bring us around to that life. I'm supposed to be a Beacon. The guiding force behind out family.

I know that planning is the key. That if I can just keep myself ordered and contained then we manage to do a pretty good job of keeping chaos at bay. It's weird though, it's not the chaos that bothers me...well, not our brand of chaos anyways. Our "chaos" is usually that Joie de Vivre that I've mentioned, only it's "contained" inside the house.

Joie de Vivre looks just like Chaos when you place it indoors.

Right now there is a lot of indoor life. It's dreary outside. The good thing about Oklahoma is that winter doesn't last as long as it could if we were located in another part of the world....the hard thing is that winter is full of howling winds that cut to the bone and a decided lack of beauty. I know that there is beauty to be found in the bones of our world. I just wish that the bones here could be graced with a beautiful cloak of snow like they are in other zones. I remember my time in snowy parts with fondness. There is something about snow on the ground that makes the cold okay.

I want to be loving the inner time. Basking in the Warmth that can be found from the staying in and close to each other.

I'm just not finding it right now. I miss my husband. I miss my farm. I miss my life. I don't understand why I can't get myself out of this slump and drag my butt back into the Creation that I know is the only way we have Life as I think I want it.

But then I see that.......

These children are a Wonder.
   They are loud. They are funny. They are sweet.
They throw oranges across the room with delight.
They fight. They love. They laugh. They Live.

Maybe if I could work to be just a little bit more like these wild and crazy goobers things would be okay again.

I want to be a Beacon. To be the one who guides the ship. The safe harbor. All the things that speak to me from the inner work at this time of year.

I just wonder sometimes if that is what my Family is all about.


renee ~ heirloom seasons said...

Dear Wendi, While I would not say that we want a different life than we have, we do want to be living in another place, so I understand some of what you are saying. Though we are so grateful to have the home that we live in, we do have big dreams of moving to "our land!" and sometimes feelings such as impatience and distress get to us. I hope you get to where you want to be!

And good luck getting through the winter. Ours will be long... we may have 6 months total of very cold temperatures! We will have lots of beautiful snow, and many blue sky days too. Just so long!

You may want to visit my friend Sara's blog. (farmama on typepad) Lots of good farm life, and some chaos too!

Tim said...

I hadn't read this one 'til just now, Wendi. I don't know how I missed it. I like the narrative flow, and your choice of words always paints such a vivid picture. I remember well how Oklahoma's winters were of the bleak variety while I always found the snow of Ohio to be pretty neat to behold.
I'm sure you're about sick to death of the whole patience diatribe that is on permanent loop in your head, but it won't be that much longer now. And, in the grand scheme of things, what you've got isn't so bad. None of your kids are sick, they all seem to have that particular brand of quirky happiness that was your hallmark. (I'm glad to see that got passed on. Who knew it was an inheritable trait?)